Hope is all I have
by DumeLovesCookies
Summary: Kanan returns back home from an exhausting mission, with a realization, that life isn't ever fair. What happens after Kanan hears a news recording about an old friend?
1. Getting my hopes up

Getting my hopes up

It wasn't supposed to go this way. He had gotten his hopes up, and now they were crumbling away. He ran, his heart beating hard on his throat, blocking his breath into sobs, as he ran.

The world was spinning around. The adrenalin made him run faster. He couldn't hear Hera shouting next to him. He felt dizzy. The Ghost seemed so far away, he couldn't get his brain to comprehend it.

But in a matter of a few seconds, they bursted through the main hangar. She let go of his hand, and took hold of the ladder, as the Ghost took off, closing the doors, and suddenly shaking a bit. Kanan stood in terror, staring outside as the door closed, seeing the firing of the empires blasters, feeling the coldness of fear.

The ship disappeared from underneath his feet, and he collapsed onto the cold hard metal floor of his home.

Kanan tried to tie together everything, but his mind was blurry. Images and voices and… finally, a memory.

A news podcast had gone off, while the crew was eating. for them, it had been a breakfast, but for the locals of the current space, it would have been lunch.

Kanan had been there, eating waffles, like usually, expecting really nothing from the podcast, but still, keeping it on a recording. Suddenly, he dropped his fork in shock.

Two words. A name, long forgotten, stabbed his ears.

"..., Quid, Sammo, a..." His thoughts took a hold, and he didn't realize he was staring at the distance, after-

"Kanan?" Ezra asked, waving his fork in front of Kanan, making his jump a bit.

"Huh? Yeah?" Kanan responded quickly, trying to grab ahold to his fork, by slamming his elbow into the chair, making his fingers numb. A muffled grunt escaped from the back of his mouth, as he then proceeded to throw the fork onto the floor.

"Ouch," he stated, winching a bit. He wiggled his fingers, and started to look for his fork. Hera picked it up from next to her shoe, where the fork had landed itself.

"Hey man, you awake?" asked Zeb, nearly laughing, but stopped, as he saw the distressed look on Kanan's face.

"Kanan?" Ezra asked again, this time in a more serious tone, "everything okay?"

"Umm, yeah, sorry..." he blurted out, looking at Hera, who was holding up his fork.

"Yeah….I think I need a new fork..." he mumbled out, a bit embarrassed, got up, and walked up towards the counter, sweating cold sweat, taking a quick look behind him, acting really jumpy all of a sudden.

His heart was racing, and he shook a little. He opened the cupboard, and took a new fork, and turned around, unknowing that Sabine had also gotten up, to fill her glass with water. He walked past her, glancing her from the corner of his eye, and walked towards the table, nearly tripping over a chair.

Hera was staring at Kanan with curiosity. What was going on?

"Luv?" she asked, and saw Kanan's blue eyes jump upward to meet hers, full of...fear? That was something, she hadn't seen in ages. Kanan was afraid of something, but what?

The news podcast ended, and Kanan took a quick look at it, before stabbing his fork into the waffles and running towards the transmitter to catch the tape before the others. He stared at it for a solid two seconds, and sighed. He placed the tape into the machine, to take another listen.

"Taxes on Coruscant rais-," he skipped forward.

"...empire's new starfighter-," and again, until…

"...The suspect's name is Quid, Sammo, a 30 year old, twi'lek, who is wanted under arrest over his crimes against the Empire. Quid is armed and dangerous, and is last seen on Coruscant, near the third sector. Quid is 175 cm tall, and his skin colour is blue, with light markings on face. All sightings need to be reported to the Galactic-," Kanan stopped the tape, and skipped it back to the start, listening to it again. He closed his eyes.

And when he opened them again, it felt blurry. He saw the roof of the locking bay, feeling the nausea rise, filling him up with disgust. _Sam_. He pinned his eyes close again.

He opened them again, and turned off the radio. But, what happened then? The memory starts to disorient, and fade. And then. The gentle brush of Hera's palm on his shoulder, as he replayed the clip, over and over, filling himself up with the hope, that he wasn't alone. That there was still someone to save.

Then a tap on his face. It was Zeb, kneeling down next to him on the bay.

"Hey? You there?" but Kanan couldn't answer. He pushed himself up, and proceeded to empty his stomach onto the floor.

"Hey, buddy, take it easy. What happened? Can you tell what happened?"

But Kanan couldn't. His body went numb, and he fell backwards, to be catched by Zeb.

"Buddy?"

But Kanan couldn't hear him. He was trying to remember what had happened, but the pictures were just everywhere. nothing was clear. And then:

They were on their way to Coruscant, Kanan leading them, feeling unsure and nervous. He hadn't been there in over 15 years. Kanan's eyes watered a bit, seeing the ruins of the old temple, the burned remains of his home.

He sighed. The one place Sammo would go. But also the one place Kanan wouldn't. No more. He let out a sigh, a small one, but still audible enough for Hera to catch it.

"Welcome home Kay," Hera said and gave Kanan a reassuring look.

"Yeah," he sighed. He shook his head a little.

"It's been a long time..." he stared into the distance, letting everything hit him at once. He pressed his eyes shut.

Screaming, pain, suffering. Suddenly he realized it came from him. From inside. He was on the floor, screaming. Everything hurt, and he was too tired to think clearly. His pain and sadness were bursting out, taking form into a scream of agony. He raised his aching hands over his face. He ripped open his hair. The scream ended into a gasp for air, followed with a sob. And then another. He let himself go. Zeb was holding him upwards on the floor, repeating over and over: "It's okay. It's okay."

Kanan had stared out of the window all the way down to the landing dock, and on the way, hidden from others, he had cried a tear of joy and sadness. He had wiped it away quickly. But as they were landing, Kanan fought back tears. The planet felt familiar, yet so different.

It was so wrong.

After they landed, the memories fade. They get mixed up with old memories. The ones that have been pushed away. _The ones that weren't real…_

"Kanan? Luv? Can you hear me?" Kanan's ears rang, he opened his eyes a bit. Hera's voice echoed in his head. It hurt his ears. He lifted his heavy arms, attempting to cover his ears from the noise.

"Oh Luv..." Hera sighed. Kanan was lying on the common rooms couch, with the crew sitting around him. Hera ran her fingers through his open hair, and slowly massaged his chest with her palm. She smiled a little, when Kanan blinked a couple of times.

"I'm sorry."

The room fell, and Kanan fell with it. he couldn't get a hang on anything. The disturbing images splashed into his face, burning, hurting, heavy. _Sam. Why. Sam._

The old routes, the vents, the hidden entrances. Everything was on it's old place. Kanan led Hera deeper and deeper into the temple. It smelled like home. Like nothing had changed. Except the burned tapestry and the eerie feel of pain, that lingered in the air.

It made Kanan feel somewhat uneasy. He extended his arm forward, feeling the hallways, and he found a presence of an old friend. He took a faster step, half-running towards his friend. He opened doors with the old codes, he knew all the rooms. But then. They came into the room. Full of caskets. Kanan's stomach sank. No. It was unreal. It's not true. His mind buzzed, and his ears rang. Not true

.

"Kanan..." Hera said in a nervous tune. But Kanan couldn't hear her. He kneeled, looking at a small casket. And saw the horrifying truth about Sammo Quid. He looked down into the frozen, horrified face of a small boy, who had been dead for a decade. His breath became uneasy. He felt the presences of thousands of his people. His family. His knees felt weak.

This is a trap, the Force screamed at him.

 _Get out, get out, getoutgetoutgetout!_

Hera gasped loudly and covered her mouth with her palm. Kanan's body reacted faster than his mind could keep up to. He grabbed Hera by the arm, and dragged her out of the room, rushed into the hallway, and started running. He let go of her arm, tripping over his own legs, he hit his face into the hallway wall.

He opened his eyes into the brightness of the common room. Memories flooded his mind, the adrenalin had worn off. He had no strength at all. Hera held him softly against her chest, slowly petting his dark, silky hair. He cried silently into her leather west, holding onto her like little child.


	2. Restless

Kanan sat on his bed, meditating. He was still unsettled by the image of his friend's face. He felt angry at himself. Not only had he fallen into another trap, he had broken his promise to Obi-Wan. He wasn't supposed to go back. So why did he go? Why did he just blindly believe in that lie? Or maybe, maybe he truly believed, that there could be another. Someone, who would know how he felt. Someone to talk to. Someone, he once trusted not as a friend, but as a brother. As family.

His heart sank a little, thinking of Sammo. He and Tai Uzuma had been his closest, and nearly only friends he had, back in the temple. And even knowing the ugly truth about their faith, he had always hoped his friends got away. He would imagine them escaping, running away. Being rescued. He would find them and…

Hot tears came into his eyes, and he wiped them away. He threw himself backwards onto the bed and closed his eyes. He lied there silently for what seemed like an eternity, begging to fall asleep. But, as he couldn't find himself sleepy, he got up, and decided to take a glass of water.

But as he was walking to the kitchen, he noticed light coming out from there. It was Hera, sitting on the sofa, holding onto a small cup, filled with water. She looked surprised seeing him there.  
"Sorry, did I wake you up?" Hera said, looking at him. He could tell, Hera hadn't slept either.  
"No, you didn't," he answered quickly, walking past her to the sink, and filling up a cup.  
"Can't sleep?" Hera asked on a soft tone. Without looking at her, he knew the look on her face. The face he was too familiar with.

He sighed, turning back to her. He walked up to the sofa, and took a seat next to Hera. Not too close, not too far. He took a sip of the water, but it tasted metallic in his mouth.  
"Could you?" he asked on a serious tone, keeping his eyes on the cup, hunching down over it.  
"Not really," she said, sounding rather tired, and took a sip from her cup.  
"I'm really sorry," Kanan said, looking down at his mug.  
"What?" asked Hera, sounding surprised.  
"It was obviously a trap. I should have known. I should have. Really," he seemed to be staring somewhere so far. He wasn't talking to Hera anymore.  
"No, I mean…it…we," Hera stuttered, and bit his lip. She looked away. Then she looked at the ceiling, sighing deep. She moved herself a little closer and bent down to clumsily hug Kanan.  
"It's okay, Kanan," Hera said in a reassuring tone.  
"You couldn't know-" She started, but was cut off by Kanan.  
"But I did, Hera! It was just a naive hope! There is nothing left but lies and…and," Kanan's voice broke a little. He tried to hide it. He took a shaky breath, and swallowed hard.  
"It was another trap. Just like Luminara, and…" he sniffed, rubbing his sleeve onto his face.

"I should've known it wasn't true," he sighed.  
"Hey…" Hera said softly, rubbing her hand at his chest. Kanan let out a deep breath, squeezing his eyes shut.  
"Hera, I just…Are you…okay?" Kanan turned to look Hera in the eyes.  
"Ah…Well, not exactly," she admitted quietly. She avoided his eyes, and stared at the floor.  
"Sorry. I really should have thought-" Hera stopped him by looking him straight in the eyes.  
"Of course you wanted him to be alive," Hera said, "and I know it must have been horrible to see him like that. I know that, it was…disturbing, and I am really sorry for you. I know you, I…" Hera stuttered with her words, she ran out of them. The right words dropped away. She deepened her embrace on Kanan, clutching his shirt, burying her face into his shoulder. Kanan wrapped his arm around Hera's arm and her torso. They cuddled together, looking for shelter from one another. They fell asleep on the sofa, holding each other.


End file.
